our first christmas

we celebrated christmas in style this year: at home. our home, that is, which somehow feels a little empty when you are used to going Home--to parents, siblings, friends, and other people's kitchens. four days off from work, and this tuesday i was so happy to be back in the office, sitting at my desk, reading. so funny how all i've wanted for months is a break. then i had a break, and it was almost a relief to go back.

we had moments of glory. long periods of laughter and card-playing and movies and stroop waffles and tea. an evening at church followed by a late supper at j.'s parents' house: mini-hotdogs, olives, cheese, veggies and dip, deviled eggs, cookies, cheesecakes, chocolates. christmas day we busied ourselves with presents, a breakfast of corned beef hash and champagne, and mid-day dinner with his family, a walk with his mother, and scrabble by the fire.

but then there were hours of down-time. unscheduled hours of 'what do we do?' and 'shouldn't we be having fun?' and 'we should be having more sex, right?'

homesickness and a lack of friends in town. i'm so used to traveling to Vermont where i rush around from friend to friend and from event to event. i felt useless this christmas with K. at her mom's and A. in VT and J.L. in florida. who to go walking with?

j. did go walking with me, christmas eve. we went to ipswich where i showed him my favorite graveyard. we looked at all of the old stones (1634) and calculated the ages and read the epitaphs. we climbed the marble stairs and i showed him my favorite grave with the candles and the fairie statues. we ate a late lunch at Choates at the tall table where our feet wouldn't reach the floor--grilled cheeses and jalapeno poppers.

i really missed my family. though i think the homesickness was entangled with the moments when i wished that i could be Anywhere doing Anything besides sitting in my quiet home looking at my dying christmas tree.