(motherhood struggles from an email to c.)

So three times in the last 2 days Ella pooped in her diaper either early in the morning or at nap time. There's just no rhyme or reason to it. She knows how to get out of her bed and open her door and call for help. When I went in yesterday morning she announced "I had a poop in my pants!" and I said "Ella, why would you do that?" and she said "Because I wanted to have a poop in my pants." and I said "Why???" and she said (very smart-allecky) "I dunno." It just made me mad and set me in a horrid mood all day. And then when I went to get her from her nap and she had pooped in her pants again, I was livid. Not a good mother yesterday. Not at all.

I am so desperate I have really realized how much I can't do this parenting thing on my own. I really need God to help me out. I cracked open my Bible and the "Power of a Praying Parent" book and I'm delving in. I can't be that awful mother I was yesterday... and I can't be the patient, kind, gracious mother I want to be all on my own. So dear God help me!

Maybe we've moved Elenora too fast in the "now you're a big girl" movement of the last month? Maybe that's why she's resisting and pooping in her pants? Maybe potty training, moving her into a big girl bed, and suggesting that she give up her binkies all around the same time is just way too much and that's why she's trying to show that she's "still a little bit of a baby"???

Anyhow, I feel so helpless sometimes. Throwing a kid in the mix really makes things chaotic. Suddenly 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2. Like, you feel like "if I do this and this, then this will be the result." But that's just not the case with kids. They do their own thing, and all of them are different. There's no secret formula... except maybe patience and prayer... but I really need to pray for the patience.

And we'd just gotten to the point where we were thinking of trying for a second kid... Now we're back to never wanting another kid again. I tore apart Ella's crib yesterday and threw it in the garage, feeling like I never wanted to do this baby thing ever ever again.

Today is a new day. I'm really going to strive to be a better person today.