due

today is my due date. which means nothing, aparently, other than that i don't go to work. i slept in and cuddled with j., i checked email and instant-messaged with a. in germany, i took a late shower and did some pilates, and now i'm going to meet j. for lunch in gloucester. if i'm still not in labor i think i'll go to rockport and walk around.

the chill of autumn is in the air. it's one of those gorgeous days where the sky is a deep, clear blue and the clouds are puffy and white. the sunshine is incredibly bright, but you still want to put on a wool sweater and long jeans.

it's so strange to be "due" and yet still expecting. they say i can go into labor any moment. i don't feel like i'm going into labor any moment. i just feel big and sort of as if i was tackled by a linebacker.

yesterday j. and i went to russell orchards for apples. we saw Big Boy, the 1000 lb pig, and a whole slew of other animals: goats, a miniature horse, large white geese with orange bumps on their heads, bunnies, chickens, an assortment of ducks. we split an apple pie roll-up. when we got home, i walked one and a half miles to shaws for some groceries and back. we had two of j.'s friends over for the pats game and ate organic vermont feta and olive tapenade.

j. had to put my socks on my feet because i couldn't reach them while sitting on the couch with my jeans on.

such a surreal time.

i'm generally not afraid of the labor. i feel very prepared with my hypnobirthing mantras and relaxation breathing techniques. and yet it's difficult to always be anticipating this life-changing event where my body will suddenly go through the culmination of the most physically traumatic experience of my life and then i will have a BABY and she will need me to care for her for 18 years.

i'm still not completely sure i'm clear about how to bathe her or dress her or hold her or change her diaper. how will i care for her?

and yet, i know i LOVE her. and j. loves her.