false labor

last night i really thought i was in labor. i went to bed feeling crampy, and woke up several times in the night with what felt like bad menstrual cramps and contractions. around 4:45 i leaned over j. and whispered "your ella is coming to you." he was so happy he just held me and whispered sweet words of encouragement to me.

by ten this morning i felt nothing, and j. dropped into an anxious depression.

when will my elenora come to me?

i want to have a natural birth so that ella can enter this world in the most calm manner possible. but i feel like i'm being asked to choose between what is best for her and what is best for j. i don't know how to make that choice.

we've put all of the baby's things into her room and shut the door. j. says that seeing her little bassinet and rocker hurts his heart. i know it's all based on this deep love he has for her, and he's terrified to lose her. i think he's afraid that she will never come to him or that something will go drastically wrong.

and he's angry with god--feeling like god hasn't heard his prayers or that god has heard him and disregarded his plea. i find myself using Christian lingo like "wait on the Lord" and "pray for god's will to be done" and "in His time," etc.

somehow all the sayings seem a bit trite--like something you say to fool yourself into being calm for another day.

i do believe that everything will be fine. i do believe that ella will come when the time is right. and i do believe that god knows when that time is.

it's just very difficult to wait.