second guessing

i can't tell if i'm doing the right thing.

ella is in her crib crying. again. it feels like i spend four hours a day listening to ella cry in her crib. i went to the gym the other night after putting elenora down to bed and a janitor was vacuuming and every time he pulled the vacuum back it sounded like elenora's crying. i had to call home to find out if she was still crying. she'd been asleep for a half hour.

but yesterday and today it seems like she just keeps crying. when will she stop crying at naptime? when will she stop crying at bedtime? that first day was amazing when she fell asleep at night with one minute of crying.

too good to be true.

this morning i just nursed her to sleep laying next to me in my bed in order to avoid the crying. i didn't get out of bed until one. but that means she got a good long nap.

this is really hard to listen to when i'm home all alone during the day. and j.'s had orchestra practice two nights this week, so i've had to do this alone at night too. i'm not good at this. last night i let ella fall asleep on my chest after she cried for an hour and a half.

have i taught her that if she cries long and hard enough i will come pick her up?

what am i doing???

i can't tell if i'm doing the right thing.

when do i pick her up? when do i let her cry? should i keep going in to comfort her every ten minutes or just leave her alone so that she can fall asleep? which helps her to fall asleep faster?

ella is still screaming. and i feel clueless and cruel.