all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go

i am going to work tomorrow.

maternity leave is over. i'll be at ebscoland at eight. it feels so strange.

for two nights i was terrified that i'd taught my daughter that she couldn't sleep without my nipple in her mouth. i've been nursing her off to sleep for naps and bedtime because that is the easiest way to get her to fall asleep without hours of crying. but three nights ago she started waking up throughout the night whenever she realized she wasn't nursing anymore. she would scream if i didn't put my nipple in her mouth, and since j. has to work and we have neighbors downstairs, i'd put her back on.

none of us got much sleep, and she kept over filling her belly and throwing up. then she and i were both sleeping in it. it was awful.

last night was better, so i'm really hoping that it was a fluke and she will go back to sleeping through the night.

i've been trying to do some christmas shopping. j. offered to watch her yesterday afternoon while k. and i went to newburyport in search of seville orange coffee. i nursed her right before i left and she fell asleep but when i put her in j.'s arms she woke up and started crying.

she cried until i came home and the coffee shop had shut down anyhow.

then today i nursed her off to sleep for her afternoon nap and i left a bottle and went with mom B. to the mall. i hate the mall and consumerism in general, but you can't really go anywhere else for things like jeans and undershirts. also, mom B. got elenora her christmas outfit. it's a gorgeous little green and red party dress with a black velvet bow and black crinolin underneath. so cute. ella is going to be adorable in it. i hope she can wear it more than once. maybe to church (if we ever get the courage to go with a baby).

after we'd been there for awhile i got a call from j. saying ella was awake and refusing to take a bottle. which was scary because of my going back to work. i've been pumping all week in preparation for going back, and i'm really relying on her being able to eat without me around.

when i got home j. was frazzled and elenora was sobbing. i tried the bottle and sure enough she just screamed. but later i tried a different bottle (the one i had left for j. was a bottle we'd never used, so i tried the ones she's been using since birth). she took it. thank god.

so my bag is packed with almonds and an apple and a picture of my l'ella. i'm a bit nervous, but also excited. i will get an office tomorrow and just set it up and sift through emails and look over things. not a difficult day.

i hope.