on my own

so j. has informed me that he's not on board with the cry it out method.

ella cried for almost three hours last night. i went in and held her hands at the end and she quieted down. her little mouth was so dry, it was caked with dried saliva. she kept opening and shutting her mouth like she was a fish out of water.

i picked her up. she was sucking on my fingers anyhow, so i knew she was hungry. i nursed her and she fell right off to sleep.

i can understand why j. doesn't want to do this anymore. it hasn't seemed to be getting better yet. when will it get better? if it would just work we would be so happy and our lives would be amazing. but listening to elenora cry every night is driving us crazy and completely traumatizing her. i swear she has been crying more during her alert times, now. and i haven't seen a smile in days. what if she's decided that i don't listen to her when she cries, so instead of doing her normal cues to tell me what she needs she has been breaking out with loud, piercing cries? what if she never smiles again? what if we end up with a compliant daughter with no personality who has lost her joy?

what are we to do? j. says i should have my mom come stay with me because he can't be at home while we do the cry it out method. but i don't want to not have j. around--especially with thanksgiving being this week.

we used to wake up late and drink mimosas and have a huge breakfast on thanksgiving day.

now i'm second guessing everything and wondering if we should wait a few weeks to try it again. but then what did we just spend the last week doing? what if just two more days of sticking to it could make all the difference?