spilt milk and other frustrations (from a note to c.)

Today was E.'s last day at work. It was strangely normal sitting across from her doing work in our office. But when I put on my coat to go home I had to hug her goodbye. We exchanged the usual "we'll see each other often" and all that, but when I walked out of my office I just started crying.

I've been so stressed out lately, and it's been hard for me to find my bearings. My schedule has seemed so out of whack, and planning for the transition to working with someone else has really been taking a toll on me, too.

But I think it wasn't until today that I realized just how much I'm going to miss E., herself, aside from how that impacts my work situation.

I got up early yesterday morning and was at work by 7:25 am. But I didn't get to see Elenora before I left for the day, and I missed her all morning. I did get to see her for over an hour of play time before her afternoon, nap, though. This morning I went in around 7:00 am and got her up and held her and dressed her and then put her back in her crib with some books until J. would be ready to get up and get her out for the morning. I felt bad putting her back in her crib, but it was the only way I could spend any time with her this morning. She seemed to be okay with it, though.

I had a great time playing with her when I got home from work...we even got out to the natural food store downtown to buy milk and a tomato. So it felt like we had a substantial time together before her nap.

This weekend I went to Rockport to walk. My friend S. (mother of aurora) went with me. I really appreciate her honesty as a person, and I can really relate with her as a mother and wife. So we had a good time. I got Ella a spinning top and some books (jamberry) and a folk music cd with, randomly, a song on it by a folk musician who came to my kindergarten class when I was 6 years old and sang it to us. Also, I ran into a shop owner who knew a man who was my sunday school teacher when I was a kid--a man who died of cancer when I was a teenager, but who had a profound impact on my life.

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Spring is coming. Today the air is kind of damply chilled, although not freezing. I am so looking forward to the warm weather. When I'm stressed, if I can get outside I am able to unwind. If I am stuck inside I tend to implode. For instance, this past week I was so stressed out that I kept spilling things. I spilled Ella's milk and her yogurt and dropped other things. It was very frustrating for me, because I am generally a pretty orderly, non-clumsy person. I like things to go right, and it really stressed me out when milk ended up on the floor several days in a row. I get mad at myself. Like, why can't I do this right?

I think there's just too much on my mind.