ups and downs

we had elenora's one month check-up today. she weighed in at eight pounds six ounces and she is twenty-two inches long (two more than her birth length). i'm so thrilled that she's growing so well. the doctor was really happy too.

last night we took a long walk with ella in the babybjorn. it was such a mild night with a really strong-yet-warm breeze. felt like an august night rather than october. elenora was awake for the entire walk, just looking around at the town at night. she usually sleeps on our walks, so this was a big deal for her to stay alert. she's really a bright girl.

we all got a good night of sleep last night. i just fed elenora in bed using the "side lying pose" instead of bringing her out to the living room, and all three of us basically just slept through the night.

which was a necessity after the previous night, during which we all got about four hours of sleep and were all completely drained and angry. i found myself so angry at ella around four in the morning that it scared me. my sister-in-law assured me that this is a normal emotion to feel at some point and that i'm not a bad mother, but it still scared me.

my cousin told me at my baby shower that at some point i would want to throttle my baby, and that this is okay (not the actual act of throttling, but the feeling of wanting to). i wondered at the time if i would feel like that ever, and i guess i have.

i'm not proud of those feelings. they made me feel awful and guilty. but with so much sleep deprivation you just want the baby to eat and go back to sleep, and when she decides it's time to be awake for another two hours in the middle of the night it's really difficult.

sunday was a good day. j. put ella in the snuggly and the three of us went out for a walk to get breakfast and iced coffees. it was a really warm october day, and it was so nice to be relaxed with my family. we spent the day watching football and the red sox and just enjoying each other.

saturday was an awful day of feeling like our family was coming apart. i wanted to get outside with both j. and ella and have an outing in the lovely weather. j. wanted to chill at home. i expressed that i wished j. and i could do more things as a couple, and he and i had a big argument about how to spend the few moments of free time that we get. i understand his side. after all, i treasure the few moments i have to myself, too. and i know he understood my side. but things are really crazy right now and, even though we're both home together evenings and weekends, i miss him.

so life goes up and down. ella grows every day, and j. and i continue to learn about parenting and relationship (and sacrifice and love).