bottles.

such discouragement today.

we went to the pediatrician and he said she hadn't gained a single ounce since last friday. he suggested we supplement an extra ounce of expressed milk at the end of each feeding.

it's so frustrating because i basically feed ella on demand and i know she's had a lot of good feedings. there are also some shabby feedings where she just sort of falls asleep on the breast, but i felt so good about how the nursing was progressing.

it didn't help that elenora had a bowel movement just as we arrived at the doctor's office. she had a great feeding after the appointment.

but still. she should be gaining weight.

j. was supposed to go back to work today. instead we spent the afternoon trying desperately to find a lactation consultant, watching the dvd for my breast pump and figuring out how that works, and sterilizing said breast pump.

and crying. a lot.

i pumped an ounce and a half. j. fed ella one ounce after her next feeding. she sucked it right down. so easy. will she forget about my breast?

j. felt so good about being able to feed her that he suggested we try to give her a bath. i've been terrified to give her a bath, but j. had bought a tub that has a good insert for newborns in it to help hold her well. so i ran the shower until the bathroom was steamy and then we brought elenora in and placed her in the tub. j. and i both worked together to get her washed, and she seemed to be fine with it. then we placed her in her big, clean, new, pink towel...

and she pooped.

we scurried to the changing table and everything seemed to go wrong. i couldn't get the diaper fast enough. i had to clean elenora's bottom, and then she peed so i had to clean her again. the dirty towel was in the way of placing a nice clean diaper on her, and by this time she was really screaming. i was dripping sweat from having been in the hot bathroom. we grabbed a newborn outfit we'd never tried before and struggled to put it on her. the poor little girl is screaming more than she ever has in her life at this point and j. and i are practically in tears. then we realize that this newborn outfit doesn't even fit her (!) so we have to take her little arms out again and find another outfit and put her little arms back through the long arm holes.

we finally got her dressed.

i feel like we just traumatized her.

i fed her a few hours later. it was a good feeding with tons of gulps and she popped off at the end with droopy arms and a very satisfied look on her face. i prepared the supplemental ounce and started feeding her the bottle.

she threw it up about half way through, completely soaking her outfit (even though i'd put a bib around her neck). so we had to change her again.

she's been so much more upset tonight. i feel like i'm letting her down, or i broke her or something. it's like i suddenly changed the rules on her. it's breaking my heart every time she cries. i love this little girl so much and i just want to provide for her.

i can't even feed and bathe her right.

God, help me learn.