how i know

j. said that how i know that it is actually the holy spirit and not just wishful thinking or my own will-power is this: When you find yourself in a place where you continually fail, and suddenly you find that you have succeeded, you will know that it was something Outside of yourself--something Bigger. something like God.

our first christmas

we celebrated christmas in style this year: at home. our home, that is, which somehow feels a little empty when you are used to going Home--to parents, siblings, friends, and other people's kitchens. four days off from work, and this tuesday i was so happy to be back in the office, sitting at my desk, reading. so funny how all i've wanted for months is a break. then i had a break, and it was almost a relief to go back.

we had moments of glory. long periods of laughter and card-playing and movies and stroop waffles and tea. an evening at church followed by a late supper at j.'s parents' house: mini-hotdogs, olives, cheese, veggies and dip, deviled eggs, cookies, cheesecakes, chocolates. christmas day we busied ourselves with presents, a breakfast of corned beef hash and champagne, and mid-day dinner with his family, a walk with his mother, and scrabble by the fire.

but then there were hours of down-time. unscheduled hours of 'what do we do?' and 'shouldn't we be having fun?' and 'we should be having more sex, right?'

homesickness and a lack of friends in town. i'm so used to traveling to Vermont where i rush around from friend to friend and from event to event. i felt useless this christmas with K. at her mom's and A. in VT and J.L. in florida. who to go walking with?

j. did go walking with me, christmas eve. we went to ipswich where i showed him my favorite graveyard. we looked at all of the old stones (1634) and calculated the ages and read the epitaphs. we climbed the marble stairs and i showed him my favorite grave with the candles and the fairie statues. we ate a late lunch at Choates at the tall table where our feet wouldn't reach the floor--grilled cheeses and jalapeno poppers.

i really missed my family. though i think the homesickness was entangled with the moments when i wished that i could be Anywhere doing Anything besides sitting in my quiet home looking at my dying christmas tree.

advice for the X as he gets engaged

Lately I feel like I’ve settled into a groove and we’ve been doing really well. But I’ve had deep (though short-lived) bouts of depression over the last five months. I think maybe I’ve had a harder time adjusting because I always had such a high view of what my life would be like and how much I would love being married and being a wife…

nobody shows you this part of the movie…

marriage is also the most rewarding and beautiful thing. completely worth the work.

(don't get scared if a month into it you find yourself wicked depressed and saying “I’m married. Shit.” that happens. don’t worry about it.)

You know, I of course want people to think I’m doing well and part of me wants to not write anything negative. But that’s not real. In my most depressed moments I’ve thought of warning people not to get married (!) because if marriage can drive me to desperate thoughts then I can only imagine what it could do to others. But there are moments of such beauty and happiness and contentment, you know. So be encouraged, even in the midst of depression and frustration. It’s normal, though nobody talks about it. I went home a month ago and at church people were asking me how married life is… and I just kept saying “it’s hard. It’s so hard.” And their responses were laughs and nodding of heads. That was much more encouraging to me than the thought that I’m just a failure and should never have gotten married to begin with because I must be one of the only people who just doesn’t understand how to do this. Which is what I’d worried about.

j. and I spent a lot of time at each others’ places before we were married. I thought that meant that things wouldn’t really change a whole lot or that I would be prepared for what it would be like to be married. But it’s really a Huge change that you just can’t prepare for. Everything becomes a negotiation for awhile, and you have to discuss who does what and what happens when and who cares more about how a certain thing goes, etc. after five and a half months, I can say it’s a lot easier now. But it took a lot of talks, frustration, sacrifice, love, and concession. Something j. and I were talking about the other night was how you go through some amount of mourning when you get married over loss of personal space, independence, freedom, etc. j. and I share a car now, so he drives me to and from work every day. A month or two ago I found myself taking the car keys at ten thirty at night and walking out the door just to have that independence and freedom associated with going where you want to when you want to. We’re lucky enough to have a large apartment where we can sit in separate rooms if we need the space. Sometimes I close the door while I read in bed, just to feel like I have my own space for a time. (these of course are moments, not the constant state of things) but the point is these things happen.

You don’t really realize the impact of your wedding vows until you’re sitting in the midst of “poorer” and “worse” (and sickness, recently). But that is why marriage is a commitment more than anything else. As for priorities changing… at the end of the day it is the marriage and not the individuals that must be cared for most. Sacrifice and compromise and loving the other person and wanting their good more than your own are so important. I never realized what a failure I am at doing things on my own until I got married… at the risk of sounding Christian, I will say that I’ve really found my need for god in the past months. Because I just can’t do it on my own.

Something the officient at our wedding said to us was that each marriage is what those two people make of it… that you can make your marriage whatever you want to and it doesn’t have to follow conventions or a model or whatever. So maybe what i'm saying won't apply to anyone else. I’m definitely not an expert on marriage. I’m just a wife trying to figure it out...