two month statistics

elenora had her two month check-up today. which meant, yes, shots. poor darling.

in the waiting room two older patients kept commenting about "isn't he such a good baby...he doesn't have much hair...look at how alert he is...he's pretty strong..." etc. when they asked me how old "he" is i finally told them "he's" a girl.

they were sweet old people.

ella weighed in at ten pounds eight ounces. and she is now twenty-four inches in length. the doctor looked her over and gave her a clean bill of health. i told him that we gave up on the cry it out method after she just kept crying for longer and longer periods of time. i asked if there was any way to help her sleep when she's tired besides the standard rock-sing-rock-swing-rock-walk-nurse-nurse-nurse. he said that's basically it.

then the nurses came with the needles. little ella had no idea what was coming so she was so calm and sweet as i sat her on my lap. then the nurses stuck her with two needles at once and added another one for good measure. ella just let out a sad little wail like "that's the worst i've been hurt in my whole life and why in the world would you do that to me?" i hugged her close and then nursed her as long as she wanted to nurse before dressing her and putting her in the car.

as i nursed her i could hear a little boy in the hall just wailing away as the nurse and his mom kept saying "no needles today!" he didn't quite believe them.

elenora fell asleep pretty quickly once she was in the car, so i went to a drive-through for a cafe latte and then she and i took a drive through the country to find byfield parish church. my mom's been pushing me to try this church for a few years now, so i thought i'd at least try to figure out where it is. it was a good drive for a rainy autumn day. ella slept soundly and i got to listen to classical music and drink my coffee.

i kind of like the rain sometimes.

a little G and R

so we stopped the cry it out method and elenora has been smiling about fifty times a day. she honestly just loves to be close and to snuggle and to fall asleep in your arms. i know i am going to have to find a way to put her down after she falls asleep so that i can get showers and clean the house and make dinner, etc. but she is so much happier that i think this is the right way to go right now. eventually i'll have to teach her how to sleep in her crib. for now i'm just happy if she falls asleep.

side note: i almost wrote "you have to pick your battles," which is cliche. but the language also reminded me of all the militaristic talk christians use. it troubles me. "stand up, stand up for Jesus, you soldiers of the cross..." why do we sing that in church as if the crusades were a good thing? i like to sing the chorus of that children's song "i may never march in the infantry, ride in the calvary, shoot the artillery..." as "cause Jesus is all about war." when did Jesus get associated with war and fighting? Jesus was about peace and about bringing about the kingdom of heaven on earth. that has nothing to do with taking a very flawed sense of justice into our own hands and warring against this world. the warring against that i remember in the bible has to do with warring against our own personal sins--not someone else's.

anyhow. side note (soap box) complete.

we took elenora out to dinner last night with aunt d. and uncle d., j. and h., and mom and dad B. it was a really fancy place called victoria's station. after our success in the morning we were pretty optimistic. and ella was really incredibly good. the restaurant was all decorated for christmas, so she saw her first christmas tree ever. she was fascinated by the pretty lights and ornaments. everyone in the restaurant wanted to stop me to say how pretty she is. aunt d. held her while i went to get my salad, and when ella started fussing before the meal arrived i took her around the restaurant to look at all the decorations. by the time i got back to the table and stood and rocked her for a few minutes, she fell asleep in my arms. what a peach. i got to sit and eat my scallops with her in my arms. such a pleasant experience.

on the way to the B.'s for dessert, ella woke up and started fussing. j. decided to put on guns 'n' roses and it was amazing how quickly she got very happy as the song "sweet child of mine" came pouring out of the speakers. who knew we had a rock 'n' roll baby???

our thanksgiving

ella is sleeping in j.'s arms right now. it's so precious. it's been wonderful having him home. we had a good thanksgiving dinner at mom B.'s where elenora just slept in the swing throughout and was pleasant almost all of the time. then yesterday we took her to BofA to open a savings account. i'm so pleased that we have started this account. we're going to work towards $1000 and then open a CD for her with that. neither j. nor i are very money savvy (other than that we save our money more than we spend it, we have no debt other than school loans, and i have a profit share worth quite a bit at work). neither of us knows much about investments or the money market. maybe we're missing out on a lot, but i know we're very content with our financial standings at the moment even if by other people's standards we're rather poor.

anyhow, we opened her an account and put money in it and i think we're both pretty pleased.

j. jokes that we've now saved enough to pay for the first ten minutes of her first class in college.

last night we went to j.'s parents' house again to see aunt d. and uncle d. it was their first time meeting elenora and she was so good. she sat with aunt d. for awhile just being pleasant and looking around. at dinner we tried to have her sit in her swing but she started to cry. but i picked her up and held her on my lap and she was so lovely. she just wanted to sit with the adults at the table and be involved in the conversation. i'm getting good at eating with her in my arms.

today j. and i wanted to go out to breakfast. that's one of the things we just love doing and haven't done since the baby came, so we thought today that we'd just try it and if it was a disaster than it was a disaster. she was extremely tired when we got to the pancake house, so we were afraid she'd be screaming the whole time. the manager at the desk asked how old she was and we told him she's two months today and this was her first restaurant experience. he put his hand on my shoulder and said "good luck."

at first she was really interested in looking around at the other tables and customers. she stood on my legs and peered around the room. the waitress was gregarious and wanted to know all about ella and wanted to tell us all about her own three daughters. as brunch arrived, though, she got her lovely little pouty face that precedes a cry, so j. stood with her and bounced while i ate, then i stood with her and bounced while he ate. she was quiet, but if we tried to sit she would get the pouty face again. however, the second time j. took her and bounced her she just let the sleep overtake her and she actually fell asleep. the rest of brunch was just so nice--almost like old times with j. and i sipping our coffees and talking about boxing and violin. we didn't rush out the door because ella was so content to just be held with her head against our chests in a deep sleep.

when we transferred her to her carseat she was in such a deep sleep that i got to sit up front next to j. and we decided to go for a drive. the days end sooner now, so the sun was slanted through the leafless branches. the only colors now are rusts and greys, and it's quite pretty. we decided explore Great Neck, a place that i stumbled across in 2001 and haven't been back to since. it's this community that is placed on some hills in the midst of the salt marshes, and it probably won't be there for more than twenty more years if global warming continues at the pace it is. but it's such a gorgeous location where you can look out for miles over the ocean and marshes. a nice drive for a saturday afternoon.

we'd toyed with going to mount washington as a day trip, but maybe we'll tackle that one some other day.

what j. said

"having a baby is kind of like being tom hanks in castaway... you just have to do things that keep you alive."

not all bad

so some good things are happening with elenora too. believe it or not.

yesterday for the first time she started reaching out and purposefully interacting with her play gym toys. she was grabbing the legs of the giraffe and knocking the kitty over multiple times! she even gently grabbed the bell on the cat to just feel it. it's amazing to see her using her hands so precisely. today i put the monkey right above her chest, and she took a couple swings at it. she stares right at the toys as she manipulates them, and it's kind of cool to watch her little mind make the connection between the feel of the toy in her hands and the movement and sounds that are occurring at the same times.

and she's started making tongue clicking noises on purpose too.

and she smiled at me today.

so it's not all bad around here :)

m. sent me a U2 song today and it helped ella to fall asleep in her swing. so this one goes out to m.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHnXOSxka1Q&feature=related

the mom song

my mom sent me this link. it's for all the moms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

on my own

so j. has informed me that he's not on board with the cry it out method.

ella cried for almost three hours last night. i went in and held her hands at the end and she quieted down. her little mouth was so dry, it was caked with dried saliva. she kept opening and shutting her mouth like she was a fish out of water.

i picked her up. she was sucking on my fingers anyhow, so i knew she was hungry. i nursed her and she fell right off to sleep.

i can understand why j. doesn't want to do this anymore. it hasn't seemed to be getting better yet. when will it get better? if it would just work we would be so happy and our lives would be amazing. but listening to elenora cry every night is driving us crazy and completely traumatizing her. i swear she has been crying more during her alert times, now. and i haven't seen a smile in days. what if she's decided that i don't listen to her when she cries, so instead of doing her normal cues to tell me what she needs she has been breaking out with loud, piercing cries? what if she never smiles again? what if we end up with a compliant daughter with no personality who has lost her joy?

what are we to do? j. says i should have my mom come stay with me because he can't be at home while we do the cry it out method. but i don't want to not have j. around--especially with thanksgiving being this week.

we used to wake up late and drink mimosas and have a huge breakfast on thanksgiving day.

now i'm second guessing everything and wondering if we should wait a few weeks to try it again. but then what did we just spend the last week doing? what if just two more days of sticking to it could make all the difference?

on a positive note

i took ella to the doctor today to establish that there is no medical reason why she's crying and to get a consultation about her sleeping. of course, this doctor never did the cry it out method ("i could never do that...and my wife stays home full-time.") so he didn't really help much. but he did say that whatever method i choose i need to be consistent.

the good news, however, is that she weighs 10 pounds 5 ounces. so she's gained three pounds since birth!

i'm even more confused about what i'm doing now, though. j. has expressed that maybe she's too little to do this and we should wait a bit and just try to do more of the holding and soothing methods for now. but c. has been so encouraging that this really will work if we stick with it. i wish i knew. like, i wish i could see into the future.

so right now ella is in her crib crying again. she was really tired, so i rocked her and sang to her and i did it extra long to make sure she was sleeping when i put her in her crib. i thought maybe she'd just keep sleeping. she slept for about four minutes and then woke herself to let me know how indignant she is that i put her in her crib.

how long will this crying last this time? how long will i last this time. my poor baby.

where's the wine?

two steps back

elenora's been crying for an hour now.

she cried for two hours last night. then i picked her up.

i don't know why she cries for so long when she's so tired. she was practically asleep when i put her into her crib this morning for her nap. why would she rouse herself to start crying for so long? is it because i picked her up after two hours last night?

when does this work???

her cry is so angry. what if ella, like dr. sears says, loses faith in me and in her ability to communicate with me?

she was so cranky this morning. is that because i let her cry for so long last night?

i just want her to be able to sleep when she's tired so that she can get the most out of her awake time. i want her to be healthy and happy.

she's screaming.

this can't be right. it feels like my heart is being ripped out.

i hate being a parent. j. told me last night he hates raising a baby. this might be our only baby ever. how can we do this over and over?

an autumn ella

this week is thanksgiving, so i couldn't resist dressing ella in her most autumn outfit.



she was very curious about the camera's flash.



after each picture she would get these wide open eyes and a quizzical look on her face.

time for this baby to go back to bed!

ella's sleeping

i put elenora into her first dress yesterday. soooooo cute. it's the only dress i have with long sleeves. i'm not sure what i was thinking getting so many dresses that are short sleeved. but this one dress is pink corduroy stripe and she's adorable in it.

so yesterday i faced the issue of sleeping with a renewed sense of necessity. we started the day off a bit strange. ella woke up at six in the morning wanting to play. so then we all slept from seven until almost ten. when i put her down for her "morning" nap it was noon, and she was fast asleep when i laid her in her crib. she woke briefly crying about one and a half hours later and i just rocked her and she conked right back out. k. came over around two to watch The Office with me, and ella woke up around three. we had a good hour of play time and then ella was acting tired so i took her into her room, rocked, nursed, and sang to her, and put her in her crib. she was practically asleep, so i thought she'd just stay asleep. but five minutes later she started crying. i went in and told her it was nap time. she didn't quite agree.

j. got home from his orchestra practice and elenora was still crying a half hour later.

k. and i were drinking oyster bay sauvignon blanc and making chicken piccata.

j. called the pediatrician to make sure we weren't somehow harming our daughter. it was extremely reassuring because the doctor talked with j. about his own experience doing this with his son. he said he and his wife sat in the other room with sweat pouring down their faces, but now they have a four year old who, when put into bed at night, says "goodnight" and then goes right to sleep.

so we stuck it out. k. and i kept drinking the wine (the knots disappeared from my stomach and i started enjoying the evening), made and ate dinner, and played a couple rounds of a card game.

ella stopped crying around 5:30.

we were all so happy. k. and i walked downtown to buy brownie mix.

elenora slept until seven, woke up to nurse and then went right back to sleep. then slept until one in the morning.

she's down for her morning nap now. no crying (she was asleep when i put her down). i really tried to pay attention to when she was telling me "i'm tired." and she seemed to fall asleep easily because i'd listened.

i know there will be bumps and set backs and i'll have to listen to more crying. but i feel reassured that i'm doing the right thing.

second guessing

i can't tell if i'm doing the right thing.

ella is in her crib crying. again. it feels like i spend four hours a day listening to ella cry in her crib. i went to the gym the other night after putting elenora down to bed and a janitor was vacuuming and every time he pulled the vacuum back it sounded like elenora's crying. i had to call home to find out if she was still crying. she'd been asleep for a half hour.

but yesterday and today it seems like she just keeps crying. when will she stop crying at naptime? when will she stop crying at bedtime? that first day was amazing when she fell asleep at night with one minute of crying.

too good to be true.

this morning i just nursed her to sleep laying next to me in my bed in order to avoid the crying. i didn't get out of bed until one. but that means she got a good long nap.

this is really hard to listen to when i'm home all alone during the day. and j.'s had orchestra practice two nights this week, so i've had to do this alone at night too. i'm not good at this. last night i let ella fall asleep on my chest after she cried for an hour and a half.

have i taught her that if she cries long and hard enough i will come pick her up?

what am i doing???

i can't tell if i'm doing the right thing.

when do i pick her up? when do i let her cry? should i keep going in to comfort her every ten minutes or just leave her alone so that she can fall asleep? which helps her to fall asleep faster?

ella is still screaming. and i feel clueless and cruel.

window of wakefulness

so i'm trying very hard to help ella have a schedule that lets her get the maximum amount of sleep and also the maximum value from her alert time. last night she went to bed really well, with only ten minutes of crying, and she slept for four hours before waking for her first feeding. she then only woke up once during the night for another feeding, and she was so pleasant and calm during that night waking. sometimes she wakes up seeming very agitated during the night. i think that has to do with her being overtired.

she woke for the day at 8:40. i had good intentions of getting her back in her crib for a nap by 10:30, but at 9:50 i realized that it was going to rain later in the day, so if we wanted to get some fresh air we needed to go then. by the time elenora and i got back from our short walk and i changed her diaper and nursed and rocked and sang to her, it was already 11:03. shoot.

"healthy sleep habits" says a baby shouldn't be awake for more than two hours. if she's awake for more than two hours she's automatically overtired.

i put her into her crib asleep, though, so i thought maybe it was alright.

she woke up ten minutes later crying very hard. after ten minutes of crying i sensed something was up and i picked ella up to find that she'd had a huge pooping. so i changed and cleaned her and then rocked and sang to her and put her back in her crib.

this time she did not fall asleep. she cried. hard. and kept crying. i went in every ten minutes to hold her hands and to tell her i love her, but she didn't calm down. she screamed so pathetically that by 12:15 i gave in and picked her up.

she was so upset that she threw up on my shoulder and her hands and just wailed. i felt so awful that i'd let her get that upset. i held her in my arms and she fell asleep rather quickly on my chest.



but all the time i was holding my sleeping elenora to my chest i was thinking "did i just teach her that the next time i put her in her crib she just has to cry for an hour really hard and i'll pick her up?" i want to help her get to sleep. that's my goal. but what do you do when your daughter is so upset that she's throwing up? do you stick to your guns and wait for her to "cry it out"? or do you eventually do as i did and pick her up and console her? what will this mean for the next time?

she and i slept until 3:04 in my bed, when i slipped out. she's still sleeping there so sweetly.

tonight when she wakes up i'm going to be sure to get her back into her crib before her window of wakefulness is up. maybe if she's not overtired she won't fight off the sleep.

a gallery of ella

my parents were here yesterday visiting in the morning. my dad, who seems a little uncomfortable holding the baby, stood back and took some lovely pictures. here are a few:

i love my life

last night elenora was awake from 6:15 until 8:36.

we put her to bed at 8:30.

her alert time last night was so wonderful. she hasn't been that calm and relaxed in weeks. her entire body was tension-free. we had a long time of just enjoying our family with tummy time and flying and lots of face-to-face interaction. so wonderful. she was like a whole new baby. poor girl had been so overtired, and we thought she was just an extremely fussy/colicky baby! it's so nice to have our sweet elenora back.



our bedtime routine included rocking, nursing, reading "The Cat in the Hat," apricot baby oil (so that she can associate bedtime with a scent), and prayers with both mommy and daddy.

she gave about three little quiet cries before falling asleep. amazing.

i can't believe it was that easy. we had the entire night to ourselves. i made dinner and went to the gym and spent time with j. ella didn't wake up for her night feeding until 12:55 am.

today she seemed to still know what to do. she cried for awhile, intermittantly, before her morning nap, but she got the point. and this afternoon she cried just a few minutes and only very quietly as she fell asleep. i peeked in at one point and she wasn't asleep, but she was just looking around at her mobile and stuffed animals. it's so good to have her be able to amuse herself like that and then put herself to sleep.

what a good girl.

putting her to sleep with love.

elenora is my darling baby girl.

i talked with c. last night and received such encouragement about how to help ella to sleep.

this morning's naptime came, two hours after we awoke, and i brought ella to her room. we sat in the glider and i nursed her and sang "hush little baby, don't say a word...mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird" over and over. when ella was done nursing i gave her a burping and set her in her crib.

then i walked out of the room and closed the door.

she cried off and on for an hour and ten minutes, during which i went to her every ten minutes and put my hand on her hands and told her i love her and it's naptime. her cry was an angry cry, and i realized she was just saying "i am tired and i want to be picked up" and what i was telling her was "i know you're tired and i love you and this is the best place for you to sleep."

she fell asleep for two hours, and slept deeply and well. when she awoke she was all smiles and she still loves me and i gave her kisses and praise.

this afternoon i repeated the process: glider, rocking, nursing, "hush little baby," burping and into her crib. she cried for two minutes, then was silent. then she cried for six minutes, then was silent. then cried for another two minutes, then was silent.

it's been less than a half hour, and she's been more silent than crying. her crying isn't as harsh and angry as it had been. and i'm glad that even if she hasn't fallen asleep yet she is learning that it is okay to be in her crib looking around quietly.

c. was right. this will just get easier, and she will be much happier for it.

we used to put her to sleep out of anger--angrily jumping and bobbing and dancing and rocking and spending the entire evening trying to bounce her into sleep. it just wore us all out and made us mad. this feels much better. i'm putting her to sleep with loving words--with rocking and singing and nursing and kindness. it makes my heart glad, and it frees up my time a little to get some stuff done. and it recharges me for when she wakes up and i can run to her and kiss her beautiful face and play with her.

so, now i'm going to the gym.

cry it out

i'm more and more convinced that ella is just overtired and that the dr. sears' method does not work for us. j. has a three day weekend, so we're going to try the cry it out method.

i tried it this afternoon when i knew she was tired and fed and dry and needed a nap. i sang her a song and rocked her in the glider, then put her in her crib. she started crying immediately. she cried for eighteen minutes, and then was silent. and i thought i'd done it! i called j. and told him it worked.

then she started crying again.

this time i waited six minutes and then ran in to her room and scooped her up. i held her close and rocked her and she just snuggled into me and got quiet, though her breathing continued to be heavy for a long time.

she fell asleep against my chest. i looked down at her precious face and realized she'd scratched her face all over with her fingernails. broke my heart. i just kissed her pretty cheek as she slept and let myself feel love and compassion for this tiny girl.

then i put her in her crib and tucked her in.

so i have a couple options. give up on the cry it out method or put her in an outfit that covers her hands so she can't scratch herself and try it all again.

sleep methods for an overtired baby...and problems with diapers

i tried the "cry it out" method this morning. elenora has been overtired the past two days, leaving us with a very cranky, crying baby who won't fall asleep when she's tired. it's because in the middle of her nap on monday i had to take her to my six week appointment with the midwives. she didn't sleep in the car as i'd hoped. she was awake the entire appointment (yes, they did the full pap smear with her on my chest). she was awake and crying the whole way home, and she slept only fitfully for about two hours before deciding to be awake for about five hours in the evening. tuesday was just as bad.

add to that the multiple episodes each day and night of diapers that leak onto her clothing and you have a very frazzled mother.

i'm so sick of changing her clothes because the poop has leaked out onto them. aren't diapers supposed to prevent this??? i'm completely out of outfits that fit her. they're all in the hamper or hanging all over my bathroom after spending the time spot treating and scrubbing them. it seems like every time she poops i end up with a crying, naked baby on the changing table.

tuesday i changed her about five times. my friend a. showed up to visit and found me crying, ella crying, and j. completely out of his mind. elenora kept herself awake for five more hours on tuesday night before literally conking out from exhaustion.

so i'm trying to find a way to avoid this. i've been going the dr. sears method. but you look up "overtired" in dr. sears' book and it has nothing about that. it suggests "wearing your baby down", but ella doesn't like just being carried in the snuggly while i do my own thing. and this eratic bedtime is really wearing on us. dr. sears is all about carrying your baby everywhere all the time and sleeping with your baby.

sometimes i want her to sleep in her crib so that i can get something done around here. and i'm afraid of what will happen when i go back to work if she doesn't have a better schedule and can't go to sleep peacefully or stay asleep if she's put down.

mom B. got us a book titled "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". i haven't read much, but it appears that this book advocates the opposite of dr. sears' methods. this book says that a baby can't sleep as deeply if they are being held by someone or rocked in a swing. this doctor wants the baby to be in her own crib in a dark room with no lights or music or vibrating anything or swinging anything... the book talks about the "cry it out" method. it suggests just putting the baby in the crib and letting them cry it out. it claims that a few nights of that and the baby will be on a good schedule and be able to put herself to sleep and sleep through the night and not be overtired anymore.

i'm all for not having an overtired baby. so today when ella was tired after our morning play time i thought i'd try the cry it out method. granted i haven't read the book very much at all, and maybe i did it wrong or she's too young, but here's what happened.

it was awful. i took her to my bed with me and just laid down quietly next to her. she started crying. i just laid there with my hand on her hand. she cried harder. i just laid there. she screamed and choked and coughed and kicked and cried, and i just laid there. for fifteen minutes. then i couldn't bear it anymore so i picked her up and held her close and rocked her and jiggled her up and down in my arms and took her to the rocking chair and cuddled her.

she eventually did fall asleep for three hours... when i laid down next to her and nursed her peacefully off to sleep. i slept, too.

now she's asleep in her swing, and i finally got the house tidied a bit.

so much for "healthy sleep habits."

what do other mothers do??? i feel like i'm doing it all wrong. but how do you reconcile two respected doctors' advice when they both have research to back up their conflicting methods? dr. sears warns you of people who will try to get you to let your baby cry it out. but the other guy has a lot of medical research backing him up. i don't know what to do. i just want elenora to sleep and to have the maximum benefits from both her awake time and her sleep.

please, if you're a mother and have ideas, let me know.

some of the greats

i can't believe i never put up the pictures of my grandparents with ella. i'm so lucky that two of my grandparents could meet and hold her.

here are the photos:

Great Grampa Ken Limmer, who visited when Elenora was only four days old.





Great Grandma Betty Gassman, who came to visit with my parents 10 days after Ella was born.

ella's accomplishments

elenora has really grown the past week. she seems to do something new every day.

first of all, she is getting more sturdy and her muscles get stronger daily. when on her tummy, she holds her head up at a 90 degree angle and moves her neck to look around. also while on her tummy she kicks her legs. when on her back on the floor, she turns her body to lay on her side. she's turned from her belly to her back about five times. she can also hold her head up straight while in a sitting position or while i hold her in my arms.

ella likes to be lifted up over my head as "superbaby". she stiffens her arms and legs so that she looks like she's flying. if i bring her down to my chest from there she pushes off with her legs as if that's my queue to put her back up.

she has started cooing the last five days, which is the best thing yet. one night in the middle of the night i was changing her diaper and she looked up at me and said "agh." which was just the most amazing sound ever since it was non-crying verbal communication. she watches my mouth and tongue, and tries to copy me. she will listen to me talking to her and when i pause she'll sometimes make a "goo" or an "ahh" sound that just melts me. it's like she is having conversations with me now, because she really pays close attention to what i say and then moves her mouth to respond. she gets such a thoughtful look on her face, too. she's cried less since she started cooing, and i think that is because she can see that she is listened to. she's more cuddly, too, and will just snuggle up to me when she is tired and fall asleep on my chest.

elenora has held a rattle in her hand for about ten seconds, and waved it. she doesn't really know she's doing it, but i like to show her that she can make things move and make noise and that she doesn't have to just watch other people do it.

the night nursing still is tiring, since she is such a noisy nurser and that forces her and i to go to the couch so that j. can sleep. but last night she slept for five hours in a row, so that's pretty good. they say she'll start sleeping more through the night in the next month. i guess we'll see.

girls' night, take three

so as a gift to me "for being such a good mother," j. surprised me with two tickets to a Dar Williams concert. we had seen a poster one morning advertising that she was to perform in newburyport. j. remembered that i had been a huge Dar Williams fan back when i went to the Oregon Extension and was a hippie and lived with k. in a cabin in a methodist campground. when he gave me the tickets he said "please take k., since i wouldn't really care about the concert."

now, all last week i fretted over whether i could really leave elenora. i pumped an extra ounce or more every day to save up for the big night out. j. planned to take ella over to his folks' house. he said nothing would make him sadder than my not going.

so yesterday i spent a good two hours picking out just the right outfit and getting a good shower (where i actually shaved my legs) and putting on the right jewelry and eye shadow, etc. i could tell that j. was just as pleased as i was, since he knew how much fun i was having getting ready. i even wore high heels!

k. picked me up and we drove through the hurricane to newburyport and then ran against the driving rain to city hall where we sat behind two lesbians, twelve rows back.



the concert was amazing. Dar played some songs i knew, but also some i didn't. her lyrics are like poems. she sang a song about her son which just made me cry. it was titled something like "the ones who know" and was about how she would show her son so much love that when people look to find someone who understands how deep love can be her son would be one of the ones who knows. she also sang a gorgeous song she'd written for her husband. she finished with "the Christians and the pagans," which would make my mennonite friend Jen from the OE so happy.

the rain had stopped by the time we left the building and when i called j. he said elenora was fine, so k. and i headed around the corner for a glass of wine. we first went to rosie o'sheas, but when we arrived and looked through the door we both saw how crowded and noisy it was, and without even consulting each other we both said "ugh" and turned around, then laughed at our mutual dislike of crowded, noisy bars. we walked back down the hill to agave, which was quiet and almost empty, and we had a lovely glass of wine there in a tall booth by the window. both of us are light-weights now, so the one glass really made us both happy and talkative. and the music in the bar was suddenly Amy Grant's "Heart in Motion," which sent us both back reminiscing about the music we used to listen to.

when the night was over i came home to a baby who had just woken up and who was ready to be fed and held by her mommy.

and i was so happy to see her beautiful face.

the whole night was an amazing present.

here are the lyrics to The One Who Knows, by Dar Williams:

Time it was I had a dream

And you're that dream come true.

If I had the world to give

I'd give it all to you.

I'll take you to the mountains,

I will take you to the sea.

I'll show you how this life became a miracle to me.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.

So when they ask how far love goes

When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

All the things you treasure most

will be the hardest won.

I will watch you struggle long

before the answers come.

But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on.

I'll shine the light that guides you down

The road you're walking on.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.

So when they ask how far love goes

When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

Before the mountains call to you,

before you leave this home,

Wanna teach your heart to trust

As I will teach my own.

But sometimes I will ask the moon

Where it shined upon you last

And shake my head and laugh and say

It all went by so fast.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day.

So when they ask how far love goes

When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

martyr

j. has informed me that he hates our lives. he feels like our lives are over. he has no friends. he's tired.

ella and i slept on the couch last night so that j. could sleep. she and i were awake from 4:15 until six thirty.


babies are tough.