walking

there are some things no one told me about birthing. one is that i would be walking at a 90 degree angle for a couple of days afterwards.

last night while ella was sleeping on j. in the glider chair i went outside to stroll up and down the block by our building. it was one of those cool autumn nights at sunset where it is just warm enough to wear a tank top and feel really comfortable. the sky looked amazing with large fluffy clouds that were shining pink and orange.

i realized as i was walking that this was the first time i'd been by myself outside since before i was pregnant.

ella and i just got back from our first walk outside together since her birth. i tried to put her in the sling, but i couldn't figure out how to get her in it comfortably and the trying woke her up, so i just wrapped her in two blankets and put a hat on her precious head and we stepped outside. i've been so excited and also nervous about going out for a walk with elenora since i'm still figuring out the nursing thing and i'm scared i'll get a block away and she'll want to feed and i'll have to rush back home with a crying l'ella. but tonight i made sure she was well fed and fast asleep and we went out into the wide world. we saw a blue jay and a squirrel and the sun was at an angle to the earth and the breeze was blowing with a scent of dried leaves and wood smoke.

incredible.

i think these little steps outside will just help me to feel more and more capable and independent and confident.

j. went to play basketball for an hour with his friends. he's taken so many photos of ella on his camera and he is so eager to show them off. he even shows them off to me (!) as if i'm not right here seeing the same beautiful sight that he sees. he called me when he was just ten minutes from home to say he misses us and to ask how we are doing.

he said today that he goes back and forth trying to figure out who he loves more. he's been such a blessing and so selfless--just waiting on us with all of our needs.

tonight j. is going to a friend's house to watch a boxing match. i think that he's slowly trying to prepare me for when he has to go back to work and it's just me and l'ella.

j. will pick elenora up out of her crib to sleep on his lap in the glider chair and stare at her for several hours at a time.

this afternoon ella had a good hour at least of alert time sitting with me looking around her room and outside of her window. she has deep dark blue eyes and really listens when you talk to her and tell her about everything she's looking at. i can tell she's incredibly smart. j. plays the violin for her, which she enjoys. when she's nursing she sucks more when he plays the violin. when she was in my womb i would put the earphones over my belly and play Tchaikovsky for her. last night j. played it for her and i swear she got really excited by hearing that same piece that she knows.

i love her.

my elenora mae.

Elenora Mae is here! Born September 24, 2007.

The labor was quick and hard. The contractions started around 2:00 pm on Monday about five minutes apart. J. and I went for a walk around town and my water broke on our way back up the hill at 4:00. I had six contractions in the car ride over to the birth center (a twenty minute drive), arriving at five. The contractions were one on top of the other and at 7:40 the midwives said I was ready to get in the tub and push. Elenora was born at 8:24, wide eyed, alert, and absolutely the most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

I can't say the labor was painless (dear god, nothing prepares you for that, does it?!?), but I felt really prepared by the hypnobirthing classes to work with my body instead of against it and I think that's why everything went so quickly. The midwives said I was acting more like a second time mother in labor, so I guess it went really well.

J. asked me what the contractions felt like. I told him it was like being possessed by the devil and you just have to use every ounce of strength within you to resist the panic and just breathe and let your body work.

Elenora is gorgeous. I am the luckiest woman in the world because I get to be her mother and keep her. She is really alert and likes to hear J. and I talking to her. She lost a little too much weight after birth due to my lack of breast feeding knowledge (she was sucking but not gulping), but a lactation consultant helped me out and she's doing fine now. J. and I are tired, but extremely happy.

Right now they are both napping in our bed. Her face is the most precious in the world and her expressions are amazing. I feel so grateful for J., who has been incredible as a partner in all of this. I feel so much love for him, and when we kiss now it's like there's this whole new understanding between us. We're a family. Complete.

false labor

last night i really thought i was in labor. i went to bed feeling crampy, and woke up several times in the night with what felt like bad menstrual cramps and contractions. around 4:45 i leaned over j. and whispered "your ella is coming to you." he was so happy he just held me and whispered sweet words of encouragement to me.

by ten this morning i felt nothing, and j. dropped into an anxious depression.

when will my elenora come to me?

i want to have a natural birth so that ella can enter this world in the most calm manner possible. but i feel like i'm being asked to choose between what is best for her and what is best for j. i don't know how to make that choice.

we've put all of the baby's things into her room and shut the door. j. says that seeing her little bassinet and rocker hurts his heart. i know it's all based on this deep love he has for her, and he's terrified to lose her. i think he's afraid that she will never come to him or that something will go drastically wrong.

and he's angry with god--feeling like god hasn't heard his prayers or that god has heard him and disregarded his plea. i find myself using Christian lingo like "wait on the Lord" and "pray for god's will to be done" and "in His time," etc.

somehow all the sayings seem a bit trite--like something you say to fool yourself into being calm for another day.

i do believe that everything will be fine. i do believe that ella will come when the time is right. and i do believe that god knows when that time is.

it's just very difficult to wait.

pregnant one-on-one

here's a pic from a few weeks ago in vermont.

over due.

i'm so restless today. i keep wondering if ella will ever come out. and i worry that she won't come out in good time and will have to be induced--leading me to a birth that is not part of my birth plan...a hospital birth with medicine and drugs.

j. and i keep optimistically telling each other she will come when she's ready and "she'll be born on her birthday." but as the days and nights go by and friends and family start the daily barrage of phone calls and text messages asking if i somehow forgot to tell them that i had already had the baby, it gets more and more difficult to just take it easy and wait for this little one.

i guess this is common. a. just had little naomi a full week late, and lots of other mothers have stories of being days or weeks late.

it's just different when it's you and your body and you're the one sitting at home with everything ready and an empty bassinet.

due

today is my due date. which means nothing, aparently, other than that i don't go to work. i slept in and cuddled with j., i checked email and instant-messaged with a. in germany, i took a late shower and did some pilates, and now i'm going to meet j. for lunch in gloucester. if i'm still not in labor i think i'll go to rockport and walk around.

the chill of autumn is in the air. it's one of those gorgeous days where the sky is a deep, clear blue and the clouds are puffy and white. the sunshine is incredibly bright, but you still want to put on a wool sweater and long jeans.

it's so strange to be "due" and yet still expecting. they say i can go into labor any moment. i don't feel like i'm going into labor any moment. i just feel big and sort of as if i was tackled by a linebacker.

yesterday j. and i went to russell orchards for apples. we saw Big Boy, the 1000 lb pig, and a whole slew of other animals: goats, a miniature horse, large white geese with orange bumps on their heads, bunnies, chickens, an assortment of ducks. we split an apple pie roll-up. when we got home, i walked one and a half miles to shaws for some groceries and back. we had two of j.'s friends over for the pats game and ate organic vermont feta and olive tapenade.

j. had to put my socks on my feet because i couldn't reach them while sitting on the couch with my jeans on.

such a surreal time.

i'm generally not afraid of the labor. i feel very prepared with my hypnobirthing mantras and relaxation breathing techniques. and yet it's difficult to always be anticipating this life-changing event where my body will suddenly go through the culmination of the most physically traumatic experience of my life and then i will have a BABY and she will need me to care for her for 18 years.

i'm still not completely sure i'm clear about how to bathe her or dress her or hold her or change her diaper. how will i care for her?

and yet, i know i LOVE her. and j. loves her.

things that are sweet

a surprise baby shower at ebscoland today. i walked into the manchester conference room with my notepad and pencil to be greated with cake and brownies and presents. the ladies all came and we talked about Carters brand clothing, "the postpartum waddle," and baby powder.

i learned that talcom-based baby powder sticks in babies' lungs, but cornstarch-based powder is fine. luckily, last night while out with momby at Target i chose the 100% cornstarch powder. definitely a mistake on my part, but one that was a happy one.

i wonder if i have remnants of talcom powder in my lungs? we all survived our childhoods apparently.

we celebrated my birthday at my in-laws with dinner, scattergories, and heavenly peach pie. j. gave me a dwight k. schrute bobble head doll to help me commemorate my time at The Office, and a box of chocolates. momby gave me a gift certificate to get a pedicure, and a box of chocolates. and j. and h. gave me a candle... and a box of chocolates.