smile

yesterday mom B. and i took elenora for her first professional photographs. i was hoping she would just sleep through them and we'd get some cute pics of ella asleep. i fed her before we left, but it was a rushed feeding because i needed to get to the appointment. when we got to the mall, ella was sleeping...kind of. as we started the picture taking, her eyes were doing the up-down dance of a light sleep. the photographer kept catching her with half closed eyes. but the flashing bulb and the commotion woke elenora up. she was cute for about a minute. then she pooped. then she realized she hadn't eaten nearly enough at the last feeding. then she started fussing.

i told the photographer she wasn't going to get anymore good pictures until i fed ella.

so they brought one of the prop chairs into their incredibly dingy bathroom and i sat there and nursed her. but i was in a rush, so when she appeared to be falling back asleep, i took her out of the bathroom. she woke up and demanded i keep feeding her more. so, back into the bathroom again for another rushed feeding. this time, when she seemed to finish i burped her and she spit up on both her own shirt and mine. i blotted the shirt with a washcloth and changed her diaper. by now she was wide awake. mom B. heroically carried her around the mall while i picked out three photographs from the few the photographer had gotten.

they were really cute, though. the store even asked for a release to hang one of them up on the wall as a model.

the photographer had managed to catch one of ella's sleep-smiles, so i guess the outing was a success. elenora managed to do everything a baby is meant to do: poop, nurse, spit up, cry.

of course, it left me with somewhat of a headache.

i drove mom B. home and then started the twenty minute drive back to ipswich. elenora started crying really hard in the back seat. i'm not good at letting her cry. it breaks my heart. so i pulled over into an empty parking lot behind a flower shop in hamilton and climbed into the back seat with her. she was so upset, and i knew i'd given her three really poor, rushed feedings, so i took her out of her seat to nurse her in the dark of the back seat.

now, only in hamilton are the police so bored that they have to pull up next to a running car that has been idling in a parking lot for about seven minutes and shine a bright light into the back of the car. idiots. (luckily i was wearing a good nursing shirt and had a blanket over us.) i rolled the window down and the cop did too, and i said "i'm sorry, but i'm just nursing my baby."

"oh, okay," he said, and drove away.

don't they have anything better to do???

the red sox won the world series last night. maybe it's being a new, tired mother or maybe it's the fact that the red sox just won a world series so i don't see it as such a big deal, but i went to bed before the end of the game. figured i'd hear about it later. they were so far ahead anyhow.

goober

last night when j. got home he suggested that i get out of the house by myself for a couple of hours. the farthest away from the baby that i've been is out walking downtown while she naps in the afternoons on the weekends, so the suggestion that i go to the mall (45 minutes away) seemed a little nutty. but ella was well fed and we thought she'd just wind down and go to bed, so i pumped as much milk as i could get and headed (tearfully) out the door.

picked up k. at her house and went to the north shore mall to find j. some jeans. found corduroys instead. but twenty minutes after arriving at the mall i received a call from j. saying elenora was screaming herself purple since i left and could i please come home. i suggested he take her out in the babybjorn for a walk (my sure-fire way of calming her down). k. and i got in the car and drove to ipswich. we found j. and ella on the side of the road--j. with a weary look on his face and ella with wide, frantic, red eyes.

my poor family.

i took elenora in and fed her. k. made brownies and j. cracked open a bottle of red wine for the three of us to drink while watching thursday's The Office. ella was so upset that she cried after her feeding. we danced her and sang to her and she calmed down while we danced and sang, but if we started to slow down she got frantic and screamed. i think she was just over tired (she woke up from her nap at six and didn't fall asleep until after eleven thirty), but i don't know why she takes to screaming and not letting herself fall asleep.

she had a fitfull night. instead of nursing and falling back to sleep peacefully she cried and had to be rocked as i paced around the house from 3:45 until 4:20. this morning i took her downtown to get breakfast to bring back up to j. and she was really good on the walk and fell asleep at the end, but when i put her down when i got home she woke within five minutes and cried until i had comforted and fed her. but she then wouldn't go back to sleep. we did have a little bit of good alert time where she was smiling a lot at j. and me and watching us as we put the baseball cap from j.'s head to my head to her head and back around again.

she usually sleeps from 11:20 until one in the afternoon, but today she wouldn't fall asleep until after 1:00. just cried and cried at the end. now she and j. are both napping in our bed. i'm sure if j. put her down she would wake up immediately and cry.

what are we doing wrong???

j. keeps saying she's a "bad girl" and that she's being "bad". i hate hearing that. i don't think she's "being bad" or that she is a bad girl. she's just a baby who can only communicate with her crying. this stage will pass, and if we listen and respond to her she will learn that we are responsive, loving parents who will try to make things good for her. eventually she won't cry so much and she will have words and other ways to communicate.

poor goober. i hope she learns to talk soon.

friday

i just drank a cup of seville orange coffee. mmm. k. and i discovered this coffee in newburyport two autumns ago, and it always makes me think of christmas shopping and candles and boots and sweaters and cold weather that you walk in nonetheless as the dead, aromatic leaves come falling down around you.

delicious.

ella is sleeping in a vibrating baby seat that someone gave to us. it's the perfect transition from me bouncing/rocking her to her sleeping on her own. and it's soft and snug around her so that she feels as if i'm still holding her. which is fabulous because the last few days or so she seems to need to be held while she sleeps or she wakes up frequently and cries to be picked back up. dr. sears is all about baby-wearing, and i tend to agree with what he says about things, but sometimes i need to put her down. there's no real reason why she couldn't sleep on her own instead of in my arms when i need to pick up the house, write an email and a blog, and do dishes (and drink my coffee).

i stopped by EBSCOland today to show her off. everyone gathered around to see her, and it was so much fun to break up their monotony with a darling baby girl. one of the most common questions people ask you is how are you sleeping? i told them i'm sleeping much better now that i nurse ella in bed with me during the night. some of the older women kind of shook their heads and warned me against letting elenora sleep with me because they say i will have an impossible time separating her from myself and getting her to sleep on her own. and i know dr. sears warns that that is what people will say, and he gives researched evidence for why babies who are held and slept with turn into independent people, but i still felt some panic because it does seem the last few days as if ella can't be put down.

and what mother can do the dishes while baby-wearing anyhow? i can't get my arms around her to the hot water, and meanwhile the soap suds are splashing onto her. if she's sleeping, she wakes up; if she's awake she's protesting.

i think dr. sears assumes that the baby is either sleeping or is awake and just happily looking around and drinking in the knowledge imparted to her by watching the mother's routine. but ella doesn't like my routine. she wants me to dance her, or walk her, or sing to her, or show her how to roll onto her tummy and back again. she doesn't put up with being carried around while i do my own thing. i have to engage with her.

dr. sears calls this a "high-needs" baby. which will turn into a very creative and sensitive person eventually. but meanwhile, i need to sweep the floors and do the dishes and take out the trash and clean up our bedroom which has turned into a wreck with all of the dirty and clean laundry stewn around the floors to the point where you're not sure what is clean and what is dirty. how do you do these things with a fussy baby who needs to be held all the time and entertained?

except that right now she's still sleeping in the baby seat, so i guess i should be folding clothing right now.

i need to get a gazillion batteries for this thing to keep the party going.

ups and downs

we had elenora's one month check-up today. she weighed in at eight pounds six ounces and she is twenty-two inches long (two more than her birth length). i'm so thrilled that she's growing so well. the doctor was really happy too.

last night we took a long walk with ella in the babybjorn. it was such a mild night with a really strong-yet-warm breeze. felt like an august night rather than october. elenora was awake for the entire walk, just looking around at the town at night. she usually sleeps on our walks, so this was a big deal for her to stay alert. she's really a bright girl.

we all got a good night of sleep last night. i just fed elenora in bed using the "side lying pose" instead of bringing her out to the living room, and all three of us basically just slept through the night.

which was a necessity after the previous night, during which we all got about four hours of sleep and were all completely drained and angry. i found myself so angry at ella around four in the morning that it scared me. my sister-in-law assured me that this is a normal emotion to feel at some point and that i'm not a bad mother, but it still scared me.

my cousin told me at my baby shower that at some point i would want to throttle my baby, and that this is okay (not the actual act of throttling, but the feeling of wanting to). i wondered at the time if i would feel like that ever, and i guess i have.

i'm not proud of those feelings. they made me feel awful and guilty. but with so much sleep deprivation you just want the baby to eat and go back to sleep, and when she decides it's time to be awake for another two hours in the middle of the night it's really difficult.

sunday was a good day. j. put ella in the snuggly and the three of us went out for a walk to get breakfast and iced coffees. it was a really warm october day, and it was so nice to be relaxed with my family. we spent the day watching football and the red sox and just enjoying each other.

saturday was an awful day of feeling like our family was coming apart. i wanted to get outside with both j. and ella and have an outing in the lovely weather. j. wanted to chill at home. i expressed that i wished j. and i could do more things as a couple, and he and i had a big argument about how to spend the few moments of free time that we get. i understand his side. after all, i treasure the few moments i have to myself, too. and i know he understood my side. but things are really crazy right now and, even though we're both home together evenings and weekends, i miss him.

so life goes up and down. ella grows every day, and j. and i continue to learn about parenting and relationship (and sacrifice and love).

bright baby

ella smiled at me two different times today. the most precious was when i came into her room after she awoke from a nap and she looked up at me out of the crib and burst into a huge grin.


melts my heart.

tonight we had tummy time. my mom was worried that ella wouldn't develop properly so she left an urgent message on my phone yesterday saying i need to put elenora on her tummy or she will have autism and speech problems.

i swear that's what she said.

so tonight i placed ella's blanket down on the carpet and then put her down on her back. when she didn't protest that, i helped to show her how to roll over onto her belly. she and i lay on our bellies on the carpet looking into each others' eyes, and i showed her how i lift my head up until she did it too. she was so good, and really interested in looking around from that vantage point. i then rolled her back onto her back and then back onto her belly. the third time on her tummy she had her arms so that she was pushed up with her shoulders, neck, and head all held up and looking around! she's so strong! i just kept giving her praise and telling her how well she's doing.

smart girl.

precious time

ella and i had our first walk in the rain today. i thought we might escape the rain, but at the last it started drizzling. we listened to the rain as it hit the umbrella. i really kind of like the rain every now and then.

tonight we went to the hannas for dinner. i wasn't sure how that was going to go since it was during ella's alert time. i thought maybe she'd just need a lot of attention or be cranky as at home in the evenings, but she was so good and not fussy. she just listened and looked around and sat so nicely with both l. and d. while j. and i ate lasagne and drank beer. i was so proud of her.

i fed her too much tonight. i gave her some bottle after the feeding and i tried to burp her well, but she started crying a lot. i thought it was because she needed her diaper changed and she was tired, but the poor girl turned purple with crying on the changing table. i noticed her belly felt hard and bloated and something in me said "she's in pain" so i picked her up and held her to my chest and sure enough she let off a huge burp that must have been the cause of her trouble. she then snuggled deep into my chest and just lay there for about ten minutes while i cuddled and soothed her. it was a precious time for me where i felt like she really does look to me for comfort and i can give it to her.

that means she trusts me and knows me, and that means so much.

j. is rocking elenora to sleep now. i was going to do it, but i get to do it during the day while he works and it's such a special time to be with her as she drifts off so peacefully. i've learned so much about her by observing her while she falls asleep. it's those times where you really just have to patiently hold this little girl and be there for her. and she often rewards you with the most beautiful facial expressions and smiles as she drifts off.

i've learned when to offer the binky and when to hold back. i've learned how to absorb her body as she relaxes into mine. i've learned that she usually has one last little cry before she falls into her deep sleep. i've learned that you can't just rush her into deep sleep and try to put her in the crib; you have to be patient and wait for her breathing to slow down and her eyelids to stop moving.

i could watch ella sleep for a very long time without wanting to move.

i think she and i are bonding well.

when "me time" means doing the dishes

another fabulous day. maybe i'm getting the hang of this?

i woke up and fed ella, then got a shower while j. cuddled with her. i'm so glad he got that time this morning. the snuggling time is so precious.

then ella and i had our alert time during which she smiled up at me for a full six seconds! i danced her around the house while we twirled and bobbed up and down and i made up a song about dancing and turning that was super redundant but she seemed to like it nonetheless. her pop-pop stopped by to drop off some laundry and say hi (and talk about his depression). when she fell asleep i put her in her crib instead of in the snuggly because i was determined to get some cleaning done.

it's funny how doing the dishes is now a break from my normal routine and is therefore kind of pleasant.

i put away the clean dishes and washed all of the dirty ones and wiped down the counters and put away almost all of the laundry and tidied the living room and the bathroom. it felt good, and the place looks so much better.

j.c. came over around two thirty for a walk. elenora was taking her afternoon nap, so it was easy to slip her into the babybjorn and set out on a long excursion. j.c. is in the middle of a breakup that has been coming for years. still, sad. we walked downtown and up past the library, then down by the ipswich river to the boat launch and back along the river path to the bridge by ebscoland. there we bumped into about six of my co-workers and they got to meet elenora and i got to catch up on the Office gossip.

tonight is tv night, but k. isn't coming over. i'm going to record The Office for future girls' viewing while ella is taking a nap some afternoon. but i hope i get to watch it tonight all the same.

two exciting things for me today: 1) my bottle organizer arrived in the mail and 2) i pumped a full four ounces in one sitting. amazing what will make you happy at different seasons of your life.

a schedule

i'm finally feeling like i have a schedule. of course, it will change over the next few weeks as ella starts to sleep longer at night and less during the day. but it's workable now.

i wake up with j.'s alarm and get a shower. then when elenora wakes up i feed her, burp her, cuddle, and then have alert time with her. this consists of lots of singing and rocking and looking out the window and reading Mother Goose and doing exercises and hand games. when she starts to get fussy and tired i change her diaper, feed her again, bundle her up, and take her out for a walk in the babybjorn. i'm venturing farther and farther now, and letting myself do some errands around town while i'm out. today we went to the organic store and got more Mother's Milk tea (i really think it helps a lot) and then walked to zumis for an iced latte. probably an hour long walk, and ella just slept the whole time.

people are really nice to you and want to stop you and look at the baby and make comments when you're out with a newborn. the construction men all pause their work to watch you walk by and the middle-aged mothers all want to reminisce.

when we get home from our walk ella usually wakes up when i take her out of the snuggly. so i feed her, burp her, and then help her get back to sleep with lots of rocking and singing (today i sang christmas carols). it takes her a good 45 minutes to fall asleep fully to where i can put her in her crib and go get some stuff done.

"stuff" includes running to the bathroom and drinking my latte while eating pizza while charging my phone while putting lip gloss on while checking email and writing a blog.

like i said yesterday, you have to maximize your free time.

she'll probably sleep for a couple of hours and wake up to feed around four or five. then she might stay awake or she might sleep two more hours before being awake for a three or four hour stretch at night. j. and i have discovered that she really needs good, quality one-on-one alert time in the evenings or she really has trouble getting to sleep. i think that for a few nights j. and i were giving her kind of half-hearted alert time in the evenings because we were both thinking we needed to have a break--me from being full-time mommy and j. from work in general--so all of our interactions with elenora said "fall asleep soon" and she just wasn't ready for that. this left her frustrated and made her stay awake longer. last night we really tried to give her a lot of good alert time with singing and reading poems and rocking and face-to-face time and daddy time, and she went to sleep by 10:45 and didn't fuss when i put her in the bed.

it's a lot of work and so much for the relaxing evenings of silly tv we used to have.

but when she smiles it just melts your heart. i swear she smiled at me while she was awake this morning. and there are times when she's falling asleep that she gives off this deep belly chuckle. j. thinks i'm making that up, but i've heard it about four times.

the thing i'm struggling with most is the middle of the night feeding from three to five in the morning. last night i got up and fed her (practically falling asleep over her) and when i burped her she was fast asleep and smiling. but she had a poopy diaper so i had to change her. this woke her up and made her upset, so i took her back to feed her again to see if she would fall off to sleep again. but instead of going back to sleep smiling she was suddenly wide awake and did not want to go back to bed. we were up until five in the morning and it was so tiring and i was so frustrated.

i need to not get so frustrated with her. she's not doing it on purpose.

the next feeding, at seven, i just rolled over and decided to try nursing her laying down. it sort of worked. she was able to eat and i fell back to sleep and she did eventually, too. but her latch was awful and i couldn't really get her on right because one hand was pinned and the other was in an awkward position, so my nipple is sore today.

at seven in the morning it seems worth it to not have to get out of bed again.

my best day yet

this morning i got up early enough to get a shower before j. needed to start getting ready for work. what a difference that makes. i think i need to make sure to do this every day. maybe even get up a bit earlier so that i can also get some breakfast (which i ate around one this afternoon).

after i fed ella, she and i had fabulous alert time. she sits on my knees in the glider and listens as i sing my way through the Sound of Music and all the Beatles songs i can think of. really likes Hey Jude, even though i know i botch the words every time. she loves looking out the window behind my head. i noticed she was staring at the bookcase intently, so i grabbed Mother Goose off of the shelf and started reading. i have this great illustrated copy with lots of both colorful and black and white pictures in it. she looked at the illustrations as i read for at least ten minutes! i was so amazed at how interested she was and how closely she studied the pictures.

she's a smart one, no doubt.

when she started to get tired i fed her once more and then put her in the snuggly and walked out the door. called e. at ebscoland to see if she wanted to meet us for a walk, and she did so we went to my favorite graveyard and climbed the marble steps up to the top of the hill where we could look out above the town. it's a really beautiful october day. very warm and sunny with a cool breeze. all of the trees are turning to reds, oranges, pinks, and yellows. love new england.

ella and i stopped at the green grocer on our way home so i could get some greek yogurt and a plum for breakfast. the owner called out "congratulations!" as we walked in the door, and everyone in the store stopped by to look at the precious three-week-old. two of the women in there said "i wish my children were that age again" and i said "but it's so exhausting!" and they said "even so..."

when we got home i rocked ella and sang my way acapella through a dione warwick tape i used to have.

elenora is sleeping again. in her crib. i pumped while eating my yogurt because you never know how long until she wakes up and you have to optimize every moment you have.

i love this girl, and i feel really sane and happy today.

a little patience.

elenora's new thing is getting herself really tired and staying awake for five hours at a time. at these times she switches between quietly laying in our arms sucking her binky, looking like she's falling asleep, and crying like mad if we try to put her in her crib when we think she's finally dozed off. i'm not sure what that's all about. last night i had to sleep with her in my arms all night because every time we put her down next to us she would start crying in protest. until last night she absolutely was fine sleeping next to us in her lambie, but now she seems to need to be held when she sleeps.

although, she did sleep in her crib today for her naps.

baffling.

today i pulled on some pants and a sweater (no makeup, teeth unbrushed, no shower, no breakfast, no coffee), put ella in the snuggly, and went out the door. i had to get out or i think i would have gone insane. she fell asleep pretty quickly and looked so beautiful in the sunlight. her face is so creamy with the prettiest pink cheeks and nose. we walked downtown and as i passed ebscoland i called n. and m. to come down and meet ella. it was so nice to see them.

she woke up to feed after i got home and when i burped i leaned back on the couch with her on my chest and we both fell asleep for an hour. when i woke up i just stared at her for about half an hour. her lovely face was trying out all kinds of expressions, my favorite of which being the smile. it was so peaceful to just sit there studying her face. to me it seemed as if she was having whole conversations with someone in her dreams, and it struck me that she was probably having the conversations with me or j. and that made me really happy because she was smiling so much.

i think god is teaching me patience. he's teaching me to slow down and observe and love.

we went for another walk this afternoon with a.s., and elenora slept the entire walk again. i think she really likes the long walks and the fresh air. i know i do.

every time i think i'm getting this down...

last night we successfully took elenora to her first orchestral concert. i put her in the snuggly and walked up and down the back row of the balcony throughout the performance. she slept peacefully and i walked about two miles.

i bathed elenora today by myself. i prepared for everything and had two towels and a diaper station all set up in the bathroom with all of her clean clothes to change into. it went really well.

today we went to the chamberlains' for a pats game. ella slept the entire time, only waking enough to feed twice. she was so beautifully content and j. and i had a great time with a., s., and j.


when we got home i took her out of her carseat to discover that her diaper had practically exploded and her bottom was soaked through. we rushed her upstairs to her changing table, already crying. we rushed to find another clean outfit. as i took her diaper off a stream came shooting up all over the changing table mat. we had to strip her down, wash her off, and dress her.

not a happy ella at this point.

then i went to nurse her. i thought it was a good nursing, but then when she came off the breast she was still really anxious and desperately seeking to still nurse some more. i put her to the other breast, but that one has a fissure that i'm trying to heal so i didn't keep her on quite as long. she cried like she was starving when i took her off, so i handed her to j. to hold while i pulled the pump together to try to get a bottle. only a third of an ounce came out of both breasts. i know the book says there's no such thing as an empty breast, but this sure seemed like an empty breast case to me. we fed her the third of an ounce, but she still seemed hungry. i tried her again on my right breast, but she came off still looking to suck some more. we danced and sang and bounced and twirled and rocked and jumped.

i think she might be falling asleep finally on j. in the rocking chair.

and i'm drinking Mother's Milk tea by the gallon.

the babybjorn revolution

ella is cuddled up to my chest right now and i have two hands free! momby and r. came over and we all took a walk on this gorgeous october day. the sun is shining and it's maybe sixty degrees outside. perfect day to get out. ella just slept the whole time and was so cozy. i love the babybjorn.

somehow the weekends are so much better than the week days. mostly it's just having j. home. he's such a big help. i don't feel desperate or scared when he's here, even if she's having the crying fits that lately have set in each evening around eight thirty.

last night we found ourselves dancing around the living room while j. played the violin--trying so hard to make her happy. i'm not sure why she's taken to crying so much... maybe it has to do with the spicy thai food i ate the other night?

i washed the dishes. it was a task i knew i could accomplish. much easier than getting ella to stop crying.

but we had great alert time with her today. just singing with her and talking to her and cuddling. she's so precious. she really looks around and focuses on things and studies our faces and listens so well.

it's so important for me to get out. just being outside refreshes me. i think elenora likes being outside, too. she was very used to the feeling of me walking with her while i was pregnant, so i think that the movement of us being out on a walk helps to calm her.

tonight we're going to venture out to see j. in his orchestral concert. i'm hoping that ella is happy and not crying during it. sleeping would be amazing. if it gets too bad i'll just leave and bring her home. but i need to try anyhow, because what if it's great and she's just content?

tomorrow we're going to a barbeque at a.'s house. he and his wife have a little baby of their own who is in the nursing stage, so they know what it's like. that makes it a safe outing. i need these safe outings. they keep me sane and make me feel like a normal person.

ella is resting her head on my chest right now. so beautiful. so content.

and i've just typed an entire blog with two hands! amazing.

girls' night with elenora

last night i tried to have girls' night with k. as we always used to on thursday to watch The Office.

ella had other ideas.

she was awake and pleasant for a couple of hours. nursed twice, and then started to get fussy. which is the cue to me that she is tired and needs less stimulation and some rocking in order to get her to sleep.

but for some reason last night she wouldn't go to sleep. i rocked her, i sang, i walked up and down the room, i said soothing words, i tried the pacifier.

ella just screamed. every time she seemed to be drifting off to sleep she would suddenly wake up and start screaming again.

it breaks my heart when she turns all red and cries so hard that she starts to cough.

so i spent an hour and a half trying to calm elenora while k. just sat on the couch by herself eating ice cream and watching tv. k. finally left with me in tears with a crying baby in my arms.

this is my life now. it makes me wonder if i will ever have normal evenings again. will i ever be able to hang out with friends? will i ever be able to go out to dinner? will j. and i have a date again? should we cancel our netflix subscription because we haven't been able to watch a half hour tv show let alone a movie in the last month?

this morning ella and i had such good bonding, alert time. i told her about so many things and we did exercises with her arms and legs and sang songs. she likes to lie on my chest and she picks her head up and turns it really well already. she looks around and wants to know about everything.

i don't know if i overstimulated her and then she couldn't process it all, but then she took another three hours to get herself to sleep. same as last night--she'd almost drift off and then she'd wake up just screaming.

dr. sears says that babies use the really light sleep time to process things and to grow their brains. maybe ella is just getting a lot of the light sleep and won't fall into the deep sleep too quickly because there's too much to process??? i have no idea.

i just wish i could soothe her.

poor j. seems to always catch me when i'm at a breaking point. he came home at lunch time today and i was in tears. last night when he got home i had finally gotten elenora to bed, but i was crying. i know j. is stressed out and worried that i'm going through postpartum or something. i don't think i have postpartum depression, but there are moments when i really feel very much like a failure.

i was raised to be a perfectionist and to get things right. i think that makes me a lot harder on myself than i should be.

sleep and binkies

elenora got her tongue-tie snipped today.

her appointment was for 12:45. at around 12:00 i suddenly realized that i needed to install the carseat in my mom's car--something i've never done in my life. j. had taken our other carseat to the fire station to get it installed in his car, but today he's at work and i just forgot that i needed to get the other one installed. i rushed up to the fire station, but the woman who installs carseats wasn't there. i rushed to ebscoland and called m. to come down and help me, but she couldn't figure it out either. finally i called n. (a father of two under two) and he came down and put it in.

we got to the appointment fifteen minutes late and ella was sound asleep in my arms in the waiting room. she makes the most precious faces when she's asleep and dreaming. lots of smiles.

the doctor stuck cotton in her mouth with a numbing solution. then he injected her tongue with Novocain. she made some unhappy faces, but kept sleeping peacefully in my arms.

then the doctor stuck his plastic-gloved fingers into her mouth and clamped around her tongue and cut the phrenulum.

elenora and i were both crying at this point. i just held her and gently rocked her and told her i love her and everything will be okay...

and that i'm sorry.

we gave her a binky. after awhile, she calmed down.

she's sleeping soundly now in her crib with warm blankets and soft stuffed animals surrounding her. her face is so peaceful again. i hope that when she awakens it will all seem to her to be a bad dream.

i hope this helps her nursing. i hope this brings her more mother's milk. i only did it because i love her and want to help her receive every good thing.

but it's hard to watch your daughter get hurt.

happy baby

elenora really is a happy baby. today we all slept in (on and off) till eleven. then elenora fed (off the breast!) till she was full. and then she was awake and alert for three and a half hours. she's so good. just looks around happily listening to all of our songs and looking out the window behind the glider chair while we rock her and talk to her. i can see in her eyes how calm and thoughtful she is. just so smart, i know it.



someone at j.'s work told him that ella is an "old soul." j. thinks the guy is just new age-y, but i kind of agree. her eyes have such depth to them and she listens and thinks and scrunches her brow as if she's figuring out the entire world.

the breastfeeding is going better yesterday and today. and feedings that aren't so great aren't disasters because i pump milk and can always give her a bottle to fill her up. she's gaining weight, and her little tongue will be fixed on tuesday and then, i'm told, everything will probably get a lot easier.

j. is home for a three day weekend, and it's so nice to have the extra hands. he's so amazing with her. i sometimes just watch him with ella because he has strengths that i don't have with always having ways to amuse her when she's alert. i want to learn to be better at relating to her when there aren't tasks to be done. i'm so good at the tasks.

yesterday i had an outing by myself. just a walk downtown to Rite Aid for baby wipes and conditioner, but it felt good to be outside and away from the house for a little bit.

sometimes i call ella "little bit" as in "little bit of heaven."

tonight we're going to j.'s parents for a birthday celebration for his brother. i'm really looking forward to going someplace.

my mom comes back tomorrow afternoon to help me with all of the appointments i have this week while j. is at work. i feel good about this week.

bottles.

such discouragement today.

we went to the pediatrician and he said she hadn't gained a single ounce since last friday. he suggested we supplement an extra ounce of expressed milk at the end of each feeding.

it's so frustrating because i basically feed ella on demand and i know she's had a lot of good feedings. there are also some shabby feedings where she just sort of falls asleep on the breast, but i felt so good about how the nursing was progressing.

it didn't help that elenora had a bowel movement just as we arrived at the doctor's office. she had a great feeding after the appointment.

but still. she should be gaining weight.

j. was supposed to go back to work today. instead we spent the afternoon trying desperately to find a lactation consultant, watching the dvd for my breast pump and figuring out how that works, and sterilizing said breast pump.

and crying. a lot.

i pumped an ounce and a half. j. fed ella one ounce after her next feeding. she sucked it right down. so easy. will she forget about my breast?

j. felt so good about being able to feed her that he suggested we try to give her a bath. i've been terrified to give her a bath, but j. had bought a tub that has a good insert for newborns in it to help hold her well. so i ran the shower until the bathroom was steamy and then we brought elenora in and placed her in the tub. j. and i both worked together to get her washed, and she seemed to be fine with it. then we placed her in her big, clean, new, pink towel...

and she pooped.

we scurried to the changing table and everything seemed to go wrong. i couldn't get the diaper fast enough. i had to clean elenora's bottom, and then she peed so i had to clean her again. the dirty towel was in the way of placing a nice clean diaper on her, and by this time she was really screaming. i was dripping sweat from having been in the hot bathroom. we grabbed a newborn outfit we'd never tried before and struggled to put it on her. the poor little girl is screaming more than she ever has in her life at this point and j. and i are practically in tears. then we realize that this newborn outfit doesn't even fit her (!) so we have to take her little arms out again and find another outfit and put her little arms back through the long arm holes.

we finally got her dressed.

i feel like we just traumatized her.

i fed her a few hours later. it was a good feeding with tons of gulps and she popped off at the end with droopy arms and a very satisfied look on her face. i prepared the supplemental ounce and started feeding her the bottle.

she threw it up about half way through, completely soaking her outfit (even though i'd put a bib around her neck). so we had to change her again.

she's been so much more upset tonight. i feel like i'm letting her down, or i broke her or something. it's like i suddenly changed the rules on her. it's breaking my heart every time she cries. i love this little girl so much and i just want to provide for her.

i can't even feed and bathe her right.

God, help me learn.

while ella sleeps

ella's been asleep on the couch for a good hour and a half or more. her little face is so peaceful.

j. took down the bins of my winter, pre-pregnancy clothes and i am happy to report that i pulled on some pre-pregnancy jeans and buttoned them right up. i feel so good and healthy in these jeans. it's good to know i stayed that healthy throughout the pregnancy. when you're at 25 lbs past what you normally weigh you sort of wonder how it will all shake out after the birth.

elenora is one week old today!

the nursing is going much better. i feel like she and i have got it down as far as being in our own home and knowing what to do here. as soon as she shows signs of being hungry i take her to the couch and put her to my side on the boppy, and she seems to know at that point that i have her needs in mind and they are about to be met, because she often calms down at that point and knows what is coming.







i'm still very unsure about how i would nurse elenora out in the wide world without a comfy couch and a boppy. how do you learn these things?